Polyamory for Dummies

 

In a time when our social, economic and even geologic security appears to be evaporating, polyamory holds out a tantalizing promise: more love.

Perhaps this is why the prohibitions against it are so strong: “Polyamory is just a fancy term for cheating.” “Polyamorists lie and leave a trail of broken hearts in their wake.”

Except, oops, anyone can name a dozen monogamous people they know who have acted in these ways, leaving their lovers and partners devastated.

So, what’s the truth about polyamory? And why are we hearing so much about it right now?

In Polyamory For Dummies, sex activist and coach Dr. Jaime M. Grant takes up a lot of unanswered questions about this creative, expansive form of loving and making family. Having practiced polyamory for more than 40 years, Dr. Grant offers lessons from her vibrant community of polyamorist friends and loved ones. Throughout the book, their stories bring all the theories and mysteries of polyamory to life.

What does it mean to be in love with more than one person? How do you manage it without creating emotional train wrecks and hurting yourself and your beloveds?

Buckle up. Here’s how:

Part 1: The Basics of Polyamory

Opening chapters roll out core concepts and examine polyamory at this moment in history. They also take readers on a self-assessment journey.

Part 2: Building Relational Skills for Polyamory

All relationships require good communication skills. Polyamory intensifies the need for these skills. This section helps you consider and grow your capacity for relating intimately to more than one lover.

Part 3: Living Polyamory, Loving Polyamory

There are ups and downs on this journey -- ecstatic connections and emotional landmines. How can you navigate them? Here, find guiding questions, helpful practices, and stories from people thriving in their poly lives.

Part 4: Dealing with Common Challenges

How will you cope with jealousy? Breaches of trust? How will you live with complexity, nuance, and ever-changing needs among your poly beloveds? What’s it like to age as a polyamorous person?

FAQ

Who should read Polyamory for Dummies?

Anyone whose scrolling finger stopped at the book thumbnail.  People of any gender, sexuality, religious tradition, race, nationality, ability, or relationship status – can learn about and explore polyamory as a relational practice.  

People who come to me for coaching often present themselves as monogamous but report failing miserably at living within the constraints of sexual or emotional exclusivity.  They often have regrets or painful relationship histories.  For many, it has never occurred to them that monogamy is not the only possible or honorable relationship system available.  For most, it takes time to turn down the volume on the needs and demands of others to figure out how they actually feel – and how they want to live, love, and make relationships.

Why is Polyamory so popular right now?

A mix of factors have come together to create a perfect storm of polyamory popularity:  

  1. Social media and a surge in coming out among poly practitioners, especially over the past 5 years.  Poly people are finally talking about our poly lives in great detail, in greater numbers.

  2. Our economic, social, and geological security is declining – creating debt burdens, social insecurity, and fewer possibilities for attaining the living standards your parents enjoyed.  Accordingly, many people are questioning long held beliefs and ways of being – polyamory is part of that reconsideration.

  3. Birth control and social and legal advances have made a broader range of familial structures possible and sustainable.

Polyamory is so messy!  It’s too much.

Monogamy doesn’t lack for mess.  Individuals and couples who come to me for coaching are often suffering big monogamous messes.  Some have made promises they are not keeping, or can’t keep, and they are in a lot of pain.  Some are with a partner who has come out as non-monogamous, or is having an affair, and this is wreaking havoc in their lives.  

What’s really too much is carrying a lie about who you are or how you want to love -- even among the people who love you the most.  It’s too much to spend months or years or decades burying your desires and going through the motions to please your lover, partner, parents, friends, church, colleagues – whomever you have put in place to deny yourself and the ways you want to love and create family.  

Hiding and lying is messy and exhausting.

There are too many labels in polyamory -- all the jargon is confusing.

Don’t bother with them then.  Labels are for boxes.  Identities are for people.  Build on the identities and practices that make sense for you. 

  • Are you shy?  Be shy.  

  • Are you kinky?  Embrace that kink you’ve told no one about.  

  • Would you prefer to have a primary partnership that you focus on, and create fleeting sexual connections around the edges of your life? Do that.  

  • Do you want to have a thriving threesome or foursome where you all know and love each other and build traditions together?  Do that.  

  • Don’t worry about whether you fit into anyone else’s ideas or language about polyamory – worry about you.  Have you lost yourself in your relationships?  What do you actually want?

Tell me something fun about the book.

The book is full of quick and practical inventories like the one in the previous question.  You can just dip your toe in and start to consider what kind of life you want to make for yourself, or you can go all in and reflect deeply on your past relationships, current situation, and unmet needs.  You can start to gather a picture of yourself so you can plot a vibrant path forward.

Tell me something hard about the book.

It can be hard to get honest about your relationship needs. Especially if you are afraid that they don’t fit into the worlds and relationships you’ve already built.  It can be scary to come clean with the people you love about whatever it is you are hiding.  It can feel selfish to prioritize your own needs (spoiler alert:  it’s not selfish).  If you’ve been denying yourself for a long time, Polyamory For Dummies is likely to introduce you to parts of yourself that you’ve suppressed.  But the good news is – the book also provides a lot of concrete ideas for finding your way, getting support, and growing.  

What can this book do for me?

Like all Dummies books, Polyamory For Dummies covers a lot of ground, offers many ways for you to dig into your interest in this topic, and provides useful ideas and resources to support your exploration.  I hope the book will give you permission to know what you already know about why polyamory is compelling for you.  I hope it helps you uncover and embrace the unique ways that you want to connect, love, and make family – whatever they are.